A significant milestone...

Midday today actually. That marked the halfway point.

16 1/2 days gone, 16 1/2 days to go.

Chances are that you're fed up with reading 'Oh it's horrible living without chocolate.' I think you probably get the point by now. So I'll give that a miss this time.

Since we started this, I've been genuinely surprised by the number of people who have said to me 'I know somebody who is suffering / has suffered / is affected by Alzheimer's.'

I always thought it was a relatively rare condition, but I suspect it's just that it doesn't get a huge amount of publicity.

I've not had direct experience of it (though a close friend's Dad, who only passed away a few months back, had it), but I've gone through something similar.

We lost my Dad to cancer some years ago, and towards the end, due to a combination of the disease and the medication, he hadn't got a clue where he was, who he was, or who we were.

To look at someone you love dearly, and to get a blank, uncomprehending stare back is heartbreaking.

I'm not trying to play the emotional blackmail card to try and squeeze a few more pounds out of people - you've all been tremendous.

But it's just a reminder that while Giles and I are going through what we laughingly describe as 'hardship', in 16 days, on November 13th, the hardship just goes away like *that*.

But for all the people affected by Alzheimer's though, it doesn't just 'go away'.

Thanks for helping.

Patently Unfair

OK this patently isn’t fair. Yesterday was a day off work in order to take Tcho Tcho #1 to the Natural History Museum where he could look at dinosaurs to his hearts content. Needless to say the lack of chocolate and caffeine has been affecting my thinking else I wouldn’t have been quite so stupid as to take him on the first day of autumn half term.

There were queues, not your common or garden queues either, but brain numbingly long queues of almost Alton Towers like proportions. After the queuing there was the walking and lots of it, there was also the running; whenever Tcho Tcho #1 caught site of some exciting exhibit in the distance and dashed off to disappear into the crowd, giving dad another opportunity to practice his sprint starts and vocal projection. [1]

Actually, Tcho Tcho #1 was incredibly well behaved, but whereas I have the experience of age, he has the energy of youth and literally didn’t stop all day. Now my normal answer to long term exposure to children is to neck a sometimes, as I’ve mentioned before more than one. Highly caffeinated I’m quite capable of keeping up. Yesterday resorting to an energy drink was obviously out of the question.[2]

In the normal scheme of things then I’d be on top form come the end of the day, although vibrating at a high frequency and with an irregular heart murmur. Yesterday though, I felt Tcho Tcho #1 might actually have me beat. In a desperate last ditch effort to slow him down I took him to a pizza restaurant and loaded him with carbohydrates, while studiously keeping it light and sticking to the proteins myself. Result, almost instant carb induced stupor, well until he got home that is at which time he bounced right back into action in order to recount the days events to mum and Tcho Tcho #2 [3]

Anyway, the day with Tcho Tcho #1 made me think about a couple of things. Firstly, if nothing else I need to drop more weight in order to keep up with these two, I can still beat them over the long and intermediate distances but their acceleration off the starting block and over the short distances is extremely worrying and will only get worse.

Second, I will not be giving up caffeine drinks after this little exercise, they’re just to damn useful when faced with children who act as though they are naturally caffeinated.

Oh and why “Patently Unfair” well after an active day on my feet I had expected to have knocked at least some weight off but apparently I’ve put a pound back on!

Anyway £922.79 raised so far

[1] Naturally as a six year old boy Tcho Tcho #1’s idea of an exciting exhibit almost always involved death, bloodshed, big teeth and claws in some shape or form.

[2] weirdly the sense of guilt I have thinking about these things is always worse when there is no chance anyone would ever find out.

[3] Tcho Tcho #2 had spent the day decorating the house for Halloween - incidentally the Tcho Tcho’s birthday - which if nothing else argues higher powers are having a laugh at my expense.

There's an angel on my shoulder - pass the earplugs!

You know that thing? Where someone who's in the midst of a dilemma has a little comedy angel on one shoulder telling them the right thing to do? And there's a comedy demon on the other shoulder, with a little pitchfork, whispering at you to do the bad, but almost certainly more enjoyable, thing?

Both my shoulders are currently occupied.

As Giles pointed out, I should take this opportunity of having lost some weight to make a new start. I mean, look at my typical work day:

Get in. Turn on PC. Get two bars of chocolate and a can of Coke. Consume.

By 11.00, depending on how my day is going, I might have another can of Coke.

Lunch at 12.00. Sandwich, bag of crisps. And a can of Coke.

Back to my desk, and grab a bar of chocolate on the way.

3pm... definitely a bar of chocolate, and possibly a can of Coke to fight off that concentration slump...

Home. And it would not be unusual to have a Pepsi, and some form of chocolate based confection at some point in the evening.

So on a bad day, that's about 5 bars of chocolate and two litres of Coke.

(Reading that back, I'm beginning to think that there may be some kind of link between my diet and my being the size of a house.)

Now the angel on one shoulder is whispering, "Use this as a fresh start! You can probably lose a stone in weight by the end of this. That's great. Say to yourself 'I've gone this far, I can stick with it. I can get healthier.' Don't go back to your old ways."

Meanwhile, on the other shoulder, the little chap from the other department is saying, "Only 19 days and you can stuff yourself silly."

I know who I should be listening to...

But today was a bad day. At lunch, I found myself trying to decide what the first chocolate bar I was going to eat would be.

As luck would have it, Hotel Chocolat opened a branch just down from work not long before we started this whole thing. It's a measure of my sweet-toothed reputation that the day it opened, about 15 people emailed to say "You do know there's a Hotel Chocolat open just down the road, right?" Anyway. The Friday before the great abstinence, I might have popped in there... and bought... a few things.

That bag is sitting by our sofa right now... haunting me.

But I don't think it'll be something from HC that I break my duck with. That sort of stuff needs to be nibbled... savoured...

I'm pretty sure I'm just going to want to cram something in.

At the moment, what I want more than just about anything else is a Kinder Bueno. Earlier on it was a mint Aero. Just after lunch it was a Dairy Milk.

Galaxy!! I've just thought of Galaxy! Or a Topic?

Nope - nuts will slow down the chewing process. Nuts!! Walnut Whip! How could I forget Walnut Whips. Chunky chocolate and yummy goo inside. OH MY GOSH! CREME EGGS!

Can you get Creme Eggs this time of year, or is it just an Easter thing?

Still. I've got 19 days to decide...

On the cash front, you people have been marvellous! And thanks to the Partnership agreeing to sponsor us both too, we now have pledges for just over £917! WooHoo!

Can we make it to £1000? Watch this space.

There's one way we could... The lovely Amy has promised us £1.00 for every blog entry.

And Giles and I can write this stuff 'til the cows come home...

;o)

The Baby Hippo in the room.

When we started this vow of abstinence, I was happy enough to do it just on the basis of raising money for charity. I mean its not like cutting these things out of my diet was going to effect me my health and weight overly much.

Then David starts to go on about how he's wasting away, and people start to ask me whether I'd weighed myself recently?

"No" I say "I'm doing it for charity, not to lose weight".

I probably sounded a little hurt when I say this, lets be honest if you ask whether I've lost weight, what your really saying is

"Giles, you need to lose weight!, have you lost any?"

or less politely

"Giles you're fat, you need to lose weight!, have you lost any?"

So yes up until now I've resisted weighing myself, because I'm not fat. I would however admit I do have a bit of a spare tyre (admittedly one which would fit a 18 wheeler truck) and if I understand it correctly my BMI (Body Mass Index) is the same as a baby hippo's, albeit one with a minor weight problem.

Anyway, yesterday I was chatting with my parents (OK, OK, yes I admit it I was fishing for sympathy) telling them about the horrendous ordeal David and I were putting ourselves through; in response my mother said she'd been wondering whether I'd lost weight.

Actually, she's my mother she doesn't muck around worrying about things like hurting her children’s feelings. I believe her comments "were good, I can see you've lost some weight, you're to young to be so fat [1].

Anyway, when we got home I weigh myself. Apparently, I've lost just over 7 lbs. since this whole business started. So while my BMI still equates to a baby hippo, its probably a healthy streamlined one with a hippo mother who is concerned it's not eating enough river weeds - Apparently hippos are naturally big boned, and rarely if ever eat chocolate, pastries or fizzy pop. Personally, I find this a bit hard to believe. I mean just how many calories are there in river weeds, I have my suspicions they just stuff themselves with mars bars and full fat coke when no one is looking.

The problem with this, is now I know I've lost weight. Ok, I'll be honest, I do need to lose weight [2]. Giving up chocolate, pastries and fizz was supposed to be all about raising money for charity, but now its readily apparent just how big a part they all play in my weight gain, this is a just a tad bit depressing.

I guess I’ll have to think about what I'm going to do when this is all over and whether this should be the kick start to trying to lose a bit more weight.

Well, 22 days left and £830 cash raised so far.


[1] I should point out this was after she had offered me a slice of jam roll, sponge fingers, crisps, all within five minutes of walking through the door, so yes she’s brutally honest, but extremely loving with it. She's also the same woman who worries I'm not eating properly/overdoing it, when I'm on a diet or health kick of any sort.

[2] If you feel any remorse for the pain and mental anguish that statement just gave me, then feel free to go to our Just Giving page at www.justgiving.com/GilesAndDavidGoColdTurkey.
This site allows you to donate via plastic, and use Gift Aid facility so the Alzheimer’s Society can claim tax back on your donations.

So go throw money at it and salve your conscience. Remember, I’ve probably just emotionally crippled myself so you could amuse yourself reading our blog, that’s got to be worth at least an extra tenner.

What's happening to me...

I feel like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. I'm... changing.

Three times in the last week... I've eaten an apple! That's not right. There's no ingredients list - there could be anything in there. I'm eating grapes unbidden. I'm dangerously close to 5 a day! Though I'm still closer to 1 a day.

And the weight is just vanishing. I've lost nearly half a stone since last Monday. I was an entirely normal 17st 5lb (well, normal if I was 6' 11"), but now I'm a shade over 16st 12lb.

My clothes are hanging off me. I'm putting new holes in my belt to stop my trousers falling down. Where I once walked across cattle grids with impunity, now I take the long way round. One wrong step and I'd be stuck down there. Fortunately my daily commute from surburban North London to Victoria doesn't involve many cattle grids.

I have to run around in the shower to get wet.

But it's difficult!

Obviously my wife is the thing I most desire in this world, but after that, the top three would probably be:

1) Fern Britton. Total babe, curves like an Italian mountain pass and a filthy laugh.

2) Cherie Lunghi in that white dress she wore on 'Strictly Come Dancing' last year.

3) Depending on the weather, either a fully restored MGB GT, or a Caterham.

But they've all been shifted down a place. I had lustful dreams last night...

...of a plain chocolate McVities Digestive!

On a more serious note, I'm staggered to say that earlier today we passed the £750 mark, which is quite incredible.

Earlier in the year I tried giving up fizzy drinks for a month. Not sweets, not chocolate, just fizzy drinks.

I lasted a grand total of four days before I caved in.

24 days to go.

Unnecessary Cruelty

I'm doing well I think, unlike Dave I’m suffering no major withdrawal symptoms. Nor have I had to face any major temptations, although frankly I haven’t really had any, apart from walking past the kids treat drawer.

Normally, the weekly shop is a family affair, all four of us trotting off to the supermarket to stock up for the week ahead; this week however "my beloved" asked if I could do it without her as she had brought some work home with her. Naturally, modern man that I am, I agreed and headed off alone[1].

Amazingly, the shop didn't take half as long as I feared, mainly I suspect because I wasn't wrangling the Tcho Tchos [2], nor was looking to buy anything but the necessities. In fact the only problem came at the checkout when I realised my subconscious mind had been working overtime and had been dropping "contraband" into the trolley. Apart from the coke, which the wife drinks in quantities to rival Dave’s consumption of Pepsi. I left behind a small pile, nay mound of chocolate, pastries and related sundries having decided to follow the spirit rather than the letter.

This then is where the unnecessary cruelty of the title comes in, because when I arrived home I was fairly well mobbed by those inside looking for a sugar fix. All in the Hill household had assumed I'd stock up on the treats, so hadn't asked for anything specific. Apparently, its fine for me to not eat chocolate, pastries and fizz as long as I don't inflict unnecessary cruelty on the rest of the household.

As a result I am not going to be allowed on the next weekly shop. All in all then things are looking up.


[1] Note I said alone, apparently the little Tcho Tchos don't want to shop without Mum. I think this is because they don't reckon Dad is as soft a touch, but as Lisa points out it may also be due to the fact I make them do all the work.

[2] Tcho-Tcho are first mentioned in August Derleth's 1933 short story "The Thing That Walked on the Wind", they are referred to as a degenerate and cannibalistic race that worship strange gods. Somehow this seemed a strangely fitting description of my kids.

It was all going so well...

Marathon runners talk about 'the wall'. It's that point, at about 20 miles into a race, where the body has used up it's store of glycogen, and suddenly they get hit by massive fatigue, muscle cramps and dehydration.

No, I haven't been running a marathon.

But last week, this no-sweets thing all seemed to be going remarkably well. Sure, I missed Pepsi, and I'd crave the odd bar of chocolate, but other than a thumping headache on Thursday, it had all been fairly easy.

Then I got up this morning feeling like death warmed up. I ached. I had no energy. I just wanted to drag myself back to the comfort of a warm duvet and go back to sleep.

Fair enough, I feel like that most Monday mornings, but this was worse.

Much, much worse.

I dragged myself through the day, surviving on Ribena and granola bars that look like they're made out of bird food (though certain persons reckon I shouldn't be allowed to eat them - it's a diet, not a hunger strike!!) and I'm now about to collapse into bed.

On the upside, our pledges passed the £600 mark today (HUGE thank you to everyone who's promised us money), and we also set up a Just Giving page, which will allow people to donate via plastic, and also lets people use the Gift Aid facility whereby the Alzeimer's Society can claim tax back on people's donations.

You can find our page at: www.justgiving.com/GilesAndDavidGoColdTurkey

I can hear my bed calling me...

It's antisocial, this dieting malarkey...

Late Sat 17th / early Sun 18th Oct

I had a rehearsal with my old band on Wednesday night. Great to see them all again, but then once we'd finished up, somebody said "Shall we go to the pub for a quick drink?".

Now I don't drink anyway, hence, when somebody said on Monday "Does this abstinence thing include alcohol?", I said "Yes" with unseemly haste. Well it didn't bother me! (Fortunately Giles took it on the chin when he found out that the goalposts had just moved.)

But being a non-drinker means that the vast majority of the typical pub's wares are off-limits to me. And it usually leaves me with a small-ish selection of fizzy concoctions (all of which are currently banned), plus a few fruit-based drinks, as Al Murray might say, which are basically fizzy drinks without the fizz.

I ended up having a pint of tap water, on the rocks.

And tonight we've just come back home from having been out at a restaurant for a friend's 40th birthday. It all went well, until the dessert.

We'd said 'no pastries', but I looked down the dessert list and thought "I need to obey the spirit of the law as well as the letter of the law", and so if someone had found out that I'd justified a large trifle and cream because "it wasn't a doughnut", well I think that would be a little unfair.

And so I sat there, watching all these delicious looking chocolate confections, ice creams and puddings arriving on the table.

"You not having anything?"

"No thanks." I said, and explained about the sponsorship thing.

"Shame..." said the birthday boy, through a mouthful of chocolate cake.

"...because this is great!"

Only another 27 days to go...

Withdrawal Symptoms

I can resist anything but temptation.
Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I

Yes I worked from home yesterday, yes there was a great deal of temptation, no I didn’t succumb although I’d be the first to admit there were some close calls.

I tend to be a fairly compulsive eater and I do classify both chocolate and donuts as food groups, but I do like to think I have a fair amount of willpower. I have, I’ll let you know, gone without chocolate or donuts before, sometimes for several hours at a time . I mean how hard can it be?

On the other hand I’ve been reading a lot about caffeine withdrawal recently, because
I’m a father of six year olds. Look, if you’re a parent I don’t need to say anymore, you’ll understand the implications straight away.

For those who have managed to avoid the “joys of parenthood” I’ll just say I suffer from a permanent state of sleep deprivation. Now if you’re a non breeders and still unsure just what I mean then imagine the feeling you have when you wake up on a Monday morning after a “long weekend”. Look I don't mean one of those weekends with a bank holiday on either side, I mean one of those “long weekends” where significant portions were spent in a drunken haze, a weekend where you ate something from an establishment you wouldn’t have touched with a flamethrower under normal circumstances, a weekend where... well you probably get the picture, one of those weekends. Well that’s how I feel most mornings and I don’t have the funny or embarrassing stories to tell my friends afterwards.

Actually, that’s a lie I don’t feel sleep deprived most mornings, but this is largely because I drink copious amounts of energy drinks, Lucozade, Red Bull, Relentless, Kick, Bolt, Head butt, actually I made the last name up, but if it was on sale and contained caffeine I’d probably buy it.

The point is its rare for me to not have an energy drink on my desk sometimes it’s a six pack occasionally it’s a litre bottle, when things have been really bad there may be more than one.

Thankfully, we didn’t agree to giving up coffee, three days in and my coffee consumption is hovering at around eight cups a day. So there is a nagging concern in the back of my mind that while at the end of this endeavour I may be as lean and fit as a man half my age. I'll probably also be a jittery nervous wreck with ulcers.

Hey but its for charity...£433 raised so far.

72 hours in and my metabolism hates me...

15th Oct 2009

Well we're still on the wagon. At least I think we are. Giles was working at home today. All alone with nothing but the siren call of the biscuit barrel. Those choc chip cookies have lured many a poor dieter to their doom, dashed on the jagged rocks of the evil calorie...

I'm sure he was fine.

I weighed myself on Monday, just out of interest. I was a clinically obese 17st 5lb. I weighed myself again last night: 17st 1lb.

How did that happen?

Ok, I understand the whole dehydration thing, but it's not like I haven't been drinking water (there's a gap in the market there - water that actually tastes of something), so where did the 4lb go? The last time I lost 4lb that fast, I'd just had a haircut.

You could lose 4lb if your leg fell off, or if you were suffering from some tropical disease.

But just by not eating rubbish?

/considers writing diet book

Step 1 - Stop eating rubbish.

The End

But God do I miss chocolate...

Just after lunch is the worst. Eat a sandwich, watch an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, then back to my desk via the chocolate machine for a Twirl or a Caramel.

Well that's what used to happen.

But for the last couple of days my metabolism has been scratching its head. Metaphorically speaking.

Tuesday: Oh. He's forgotten to get some choc. It's only a matter of time.

Wednesday: Hang on. What's going on? Have I done something wrong?

Thursday: Right. I'm not standing for this anymore...

/cue massive headache for most of Thursday afternoon.

One of the girls I used to work with would periodically read magazines explaining the latest detox fad. Usually it would be something like 'You can only eat raw potatoes and HP sauce for a week'. What you could have varied from detox to detox, but the results were always the same.

"After a day or two, you're going to feel like absolute cr*p. And that's a good thing."

Apparently, purging only works if you suffer.

What I'm more worried about though, is that several people have said, "Chances are that when you've finished this, you won't feel like eating chocolate or drinking Pepsi again."

What?

I don't want to not want chocolate!

/checks validity of double negative

/frets

Maybe this wasn't such good idea after all...

It's Tuesday, 13th Oct, 2009.

36 hours ago, my esteemed colleague, Giles, and I decided to do our bit for Charities week.

On the off chance that anybody who doesn't know me is reading this, Giles & I both work for John Lewis in their IT department, specifically the Applications Support Group. But then again, if you don't know us, then us working in ASG isn't going to mean a lot to you...

Anyway. Every year our Head Office chooses a charity to support - this year it's the Alzheimer's Society - and people pitch in and do 'stuff'.

Now Giles and I aren't what you'd call svelte.

Giles and I aren't what you'd call big-boned.

We're both a right pair of porkers!

So on a whim yesterday morning, we thought 'Let's give up sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks etc for a month, for Charity.'

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

We started at 10.00am yesterday, and to stop us backing out, we emailed the entire department, and a few other departments too, looking for sponsorship.

"We won't eat any sweets, chocolate, pastries or fizzy drinks (including alcohol) for the next thirty three days, and you give us money."

Now some of you may be thinking 'Ok - you're going on a diet, which it sounds like you need to do anyway - where's the hardship in that?'

Let me explain something. When Giles buys half a dozen doughnuts at the supermarket, he has to buy another half a dozen so that there are some left when he gets home.

And me? I like chocolate. You probably like chocolate too. But I 'like' it in much the same way I 'like' breathing.

We drink Pepsi & Lucozade in industrial quantities.

This is going to be difficult.

It's reflected in the fact that the first two comments we got were: 'It's your wives I feel sorry for.'

It's Tuesday night.

Through people's generosity, we've already been pledged £380.

Two days down.

Thirty-one days to go.

Can we do it?

Watch this space...